observations & standards

One thing I know in the back of my head is that I consistently compare myself to others. I have theories and "rules" made in my head about how they live and how things work in their world. As I travel this journey there are a few observations that I have already noticed about myself. I am trying to be aware when I find myself playing the comparison game.

1) I am constantly thinking about what I want to be like when I'm "skinny" (as if I could pick my body shape and size-- LOL-- don't I wish)

2) I had all these crazy standards and thoughts about what "skinny" people do at the gym & what it means to run. I am pleasantly surprised when I find out most people don't run super fast and or for very far. I am also reminding myself that not all "skinny" people work out casually- some really work out hard.

I note these things to remind myself that this journey won't end when I hit a magic number on the scale or slip into a lucky size pair of jeans. It's about health. It's about embracing who God made me to be and taking care of that body. I am not hear to "measure up" I am here to uncover the person Christy Kennedy and the gifts that I have to offer when I am fully able to embrace life.

Today I am reminded that I can't worship one god with my time and my mental games and another with my lips and some desires. If I try and make all things perfect I not only reject God but I get frustrated that he's not making things work. Look what Matthew 6:24-26 & 6:33-34 says

"You can't worship two gods at once. Loving one god, you'll end up hating the other. Adoration of one feeds contempt for the other. You can't worship God and Money both.

If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds."

"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

I do know God, and I do know how He works... He hasn't failed my yet. So why do I try so hard to do my own things??? I need to take pride in me (the me He created, not how I think is perfect) and so I can do the best that He wants for me.

I can't wait to see what all He chooses to uncover that I have tucked away or pushed aside.

Training workout 2: 12/30/2009

workout-- 5 min elliptical
3 min walking @ 3.4
1 min run 4.0
2 min walking @ 3.4
1 min run 4.0
2 min walking @ 3.4
2 min run 4.0
3 min walking @ 3.4
1 min run 4.0
2 min walking @ 3.4
1 min run 4.0
2 min walking @ 3.4
1 min run 4.0
2 min walking @ 3.4
1 min run 4.0
2 min walking @ 3.4
1 min run 4.0
2 min walking @ 3.4
1 min run 4.0
2 min walking @ 3.4

Walk remaining 18 min @ 3.4

Total 50 min on treadmill-- 2.82 miles

Food:

cheese sticks on way to gym

1 activia
apple
2 tbsp pb
Taco soup
Fajita (2/3 cup rice, 3 oz chicken, 2 cups peppers and onions, sour cream, black rf beans)

Water & fiber/protein water, cf diet coke (cut the caffeine- working on the pop in general)

Loved my workout today-- but overall feeling very tired today. I am looking forward to getting good sleep tonight (haven't the last few nights) and really looking forward to my long run on Saturday.

Training workout one: 12/28/09

I really planned on donig all my workouts in the morning-- but as I said, I stayed out too late last night. In my old world of thought that would be an excuse to just not go, or tell myself I would go after work then be too tired or too tied up with things I needed to get done. BUT TONIGHT- I made the commitment and I went. AND- a successful first training day!

Total walk/shuffle-- 50 min (with warm up and cool down) 2.76 miles

Warm up: Walk 5 min @ 3.0 mph
Run 2 min @ 4 mph
Walk 3 min @ ~3.1 mph
Run 1 min @ 4.1 mph
Walk 3 min @ 3.1
Run 1 min @ 4 mph
Walk 3 min @ 3.3 mph
Run 1 min @ 4.1 mph
Walk 3 min @ 3.2 mph
Run 1 min @ 4.0 mph
Walk 3 min @ 3.0 mph
Run 1 min @ 4.1 mph
Walk 3 min @ 3.1 mph
Run 1 min @ 4.0 mph
Walk 3 min @ 3.0 mph
Run 1 min @ 4.1 mph
Walk 3 min @ 3.1 mph
Run 1 min @ 4.1 mph
Walk 3 min @ 3.1 mph
Walk 5 min @ 3.4 mph
Then I felt inspired my the music for one last 1 min @ 4.1
Cool down: 10 min @ 3.2 down to 2.8

The music really helped. I actually feel like the first few runs were harder. I didn't dread starting back up again for the next one though- which was good. And heck- I was so excited that I wanted to do an extra one at the end. :) That is encouraging!

The stretch at the end was FANTASTIC and so relaxing.
Tomorrow is a day for weights and I will do some cardio on the elliptical to keep the blood flowing. Drank lots of water. Feeling Good!

Phase one - Weeks 1-4

"A journey of a thousand steps begins with a single step" - Chinese proverb

Goals for Phase 1

1) To being to establish a comfortable "shuffle" pace as your first stat in learning to run for a few minutes at a time.

2) To confirm my commitment to this new exercise program and to make my 3 weekly training sessions a priority in my busy schedule.

I can do this! I will re-cap at the beginning of each week how I am feeling and doing on each goal. :)

Stats starting training week 1

Original wt-- 267.6
December 28, 2009-- 261.4
Lost this week- 4lbs
Total lost- 6.2

Excited for training this week. I'm not going to dwell on it (but make a note of it). I stayed out too late with friends last night and therefor neglected to get to the gym this morning. NO WORRIES- it's about being flexible and committed. So I am going after work.

I am enjoying reading (and being challenged by the mindset shift) in the 26 week training plan. I am someone who wants to jump in with both feet to the deepest water possible. It's hard for me to do ANYTHING in moderation, especially if I'm passionate or excited about it. This book is really helping me think about the long range goal. The end result isn't perfection it's about crossing the finish line with confidence, not hobbling through. In order to do that I have to start in moderation, and trust that when dedicated to the moderation I will succeed to the degree of which I applied myself.

I was encouraged that I wasn't winded when I ran on Saturday, I was also encouraged that I wasn't sore. I did the elliptical and wts on Sunday. YAY! These miniscule glipses of health encourage me.

I also know that what I put in my body will effect the outcome, then energy and the sustainability of my success. I can't starve myself. I can't eat whatever I want. It's about putting reasonable amounts of quality foods in my body.

Today's menu:

8:00am-- Activia (I LOVE this stuff)
10:15-- 2 cheese sticks
1:20-- 1 1/2 cups homemade chili, 2 oz cheese
3:00-- Apple
5:30-- Taco soup and raw veggies

Water, Fiber water, Caffine Free Diet Coke, Reg Diet coke (want to quite these, but one thing at a time)

Not perfect but a whole lot better than fast food and certainly more mindful that just eating what and when I want.

So -- off I go.

I did it!!

I am so excited! Tonight at the gym I DID IT!! I RAN!! Even when I started training for the 5k I couldn't run more than like 2 minutes. Tonight I did-- I ran through 3 complete songs (not in a row, but I will get there). I was/am so proud of myself. The best part is-- it felt AWESOME!!

I can't wait to have a strong body. I can't wait to enjoy the full thrill of running and the joy of pushing myself again tomorrow! I already notice myself feeling more confident from working out consistently.

I am not officially starting the 26 week training from couch to 1/2 marathon until Monday. But, I wanted to see where I started. I'm more excited than before for the journey.

My workout--
Warm up with "My hope is in you" by Third day
Fantastic song to start with-- great way to focus my workout.
Walked
1st run: "Keep on Shinning" by Third day
Ran the whole thing!! Only at 4.1 mph-- BUT I WAS RUNNING!
Walked
2nd run: "Beautiful Morning" by Grits
Great beat-- set right in-- then my fricken belly hit the EMERGENCY stop button!! GRR! But, after I programmed it back up I started running and finished the song.
Walked
3rd run: "Gimmie that Funk" by Family force Five
Great beat-- I didn't make it through this one. My legs were on fire and I was trying to listen to my body.
Walked
4th run: Don't Stop Believing" by Journey
Great song to run last round too. :)
Walked
Cool Down

Stretching
Abs

So-- while I didn't run at record speeds-- I ran at record times for ME! That's what this is about. I can't wait to bump up my speeds and my times. I can't wait to push and challenge myself.

I am so thankful that I am able to challenge myself with this. I am encouraged by the spirit that God has put in my today with this encouraging workout. I know not all days will be this fantastic- so today I live in the present and rejoice in the joy of feeling refreshed and encouraged.

Starting out at the worst

December 16, 2009--267.6
December 20,2009--265.4

Bust 53
Chest (under boobs) 44
Waist (smallest part) 51
Bellybutton 55
Hips 54.5
Rt Thigh 27
Rt Knee 16
Rt Calf 16.5
lft upper arm 15.5
lft fore arm 11.5

There is it-- like I said honest. The good news is hopefully it's only smaller from here. :)

I'm worth it......

This is it. Candid. Real. Honest. Exposed. Fears. Celebrations. Reality (if I like it or not).

For as long as I can remember I've been overweight. For as long as I can remember I have been trying to lose weight. When I was in 4th grade they weighed us in gym class and I weighed 110 lbs. I was humiliated (since all my friends didn't even come close to that). I remember always struggling with who I was and never feeling like I was good enough for anyone. I felt like I failed at so many things, so many people. I struggled inside- but people saw a smile and thought differently. This year I am determined to make it about health- emotional, spiritual, physical. Discovering more about who I am. Learning to rely on God and know that I am not everything-- I am in fact nothing without Him. Figuring out what life looks like when I take the time to take care of myself (and don't feel guilty about it). Learning to understand that I am honoring God when I take care of myself and not put everyone else first. I will be doing lots of soul searching (which I have always loved). I know that until I can learn to love myself the way I was created- and care for it in a way that is honorable and not destructive I will never be able to get to the bottom of my weight and self esteem issues.

Does this seem like a huge undertaking??? It sure does, to some, even for me. But, to me it's the start of a journey. A journey to figure out a little more about life. I don't assume I will have it figured out in the end. In fact I don't believe the journey will end. This will be a journey in life, faith & health and family.

What's this blog for? Well I am a person that needs encouragement from others. Call it needy, but it's what helps keep me accountable and motivated. I am sure in the course of my journey and my journaling-- I will have bad days-- this is going to capture candid feelings, thoughts and fears. If there is one thing I have learned, it is that there is great freedom in being candid and honest about my feelings.

Some changes I hope to focus on in this journal):
-Working out. Both cardio and weights
-Eat balanced (making sure I am getting nutrients)
-Not consuming allergens. This is simply poisoning myself (not sure why I knowingly do it).
-Keep goals in mind to help keep me motivated
-If / when things don't go the way I hope-- DON'T GIVE UP!!

Goals I hope to accomplish this year:
-Spending time with God (prayer, reading scripture, living my faith)
-Making a schedule that reflects my priorities
-Run a couple 5K races with the ultimate goal or running a 1/2 marathon in October
-Lose 90lbs by eating healthy and working out
-Focus on the journey-- one day at a time-- I can only live today-- not tomorrow and not
yesterday.

So there it is. If I asked you to be part of this journey with me-- THANK YOU! I pray that this journey will help God use me as a better vessel for Him. I pray that this might inspire others to live more openly and learn with me what it is like to live intentionally- EVERYDAY.

Let the journey begin. This year I will celebrate me cause I am worth it!